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HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS SUZANNE THANK YOU FOR YOUR EFFORT MUST READ IS FUN FOR ALL MA’AM
Santa’s Last Journey From The Late Steve Symms and Roger Koopman
Rumors are flying around Washington to the effect that this may be Santa Claus’ last year of operation. Sources within the Federal bureaucracy are privately indicating that the jolly old man is in big, big trouble!
Apparently from the Federal government’s point of view, Santa has been “getting away with murder” for years now, “breaking every law in the book,” as they put it. And indeed, the time has come to crack down on this “unconscionable situation.”
Here is the inside scoop on Santa’s long list of infractions:
1. Operating a flying sleigh in absence of certification by the CAB, a clear violation of the Civil Aeronautics Act of 1938.
2. Unlawfully competing with the U.S. Postal Service on air mail deliveries.
3. Violating EPA requirements for emissions control devices on his reindeer.
4. Defying the Sherman Anti-Trust Act by maintaining a strict monopoly in his profession.
5. Violating the Fair Labor Standards Act by failing to pay his elves the minimum wage or proper overtime benefits.
6. Engaging in unfair promotional advertising, designed to prey on the defenseless minds of children, a violation of Federal Trade Commission regulations.
7. Failing to secure an ICC permit and an assignment of certified routes by the Interstate Commerce Commission.
8. Violating numerous Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) regulations by operating an “unsafe workplace.”
9. Passing out candy canes and goodies not approved by the Food and Drug Administration.
10. Ignoring the edicts of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and the Civil Rights Act of 1964 by failing to institute a quota system in his workshop based on race, religion, sex and size (too many elves, not enough giants).
11. Making toys which have not been approved by the Consumer Product Safety Commission.
12. Failing to declare the cookies and milk that are put out for him as taxable income with the IRS.
13. Transporting firearms across state lines as Christmas presents.
14. Avoiding state and federal taxes on his sleigh, not to mention licensing, registration, and having an operator’s permit.
15. Violating various National Labor Relations Board regulations, including the maintenance of a non-union shop and unfairly competing with the chimney sweeps’ union.
It is said that these are but a sampling of Santa’s more serious Federal offenses, which taken in total will almost certainly put the man in red out of business for good. At present, we are told Saint Nick is frantically searching for a lawyer, but that no one as yet is willing to come to his defense. Apparently it is an open and shut case!
Meanwhile, there is another Santa Claus of sorts in this country which operates the whole year ’round. It has served us well for many, many years but is presently in the same predicament as Saint Nick. As a result, it is being pushed to the brink of extinction. It’s called the American Free Enterprise system. Will anyone come to its defense?
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