Editor’s Note: This is not an April Fools’ Day joke.
Not to nitpick a lawmaker’s judgment, but Sen. Jesse Bjorkman of Nikiski has introduced a bill that mandates school districts crack down on head lice. He’s trying to get more nurses back in the schools, so a head-lice mandate from on high might just do the trick.
The proposed requirements of Senate Bill 151 come at a time when Alaska schools are grappling with serious challenges in teaching students fundamental reading, writing, and arithmetic skills.
According to the Alaska System of Academic Readiness (AK STAR) assessment from spring 2022, 70% of students in grades 3 through 9 were not proficient in English Language Arts, including reading and writing.
But that’s not what’s bugging Bjorkman.
The Bjorkman Bug Bill says school districts must provide information to the state on lice prevention, perform head lice checks on 95% of students, and require students found with live lice to be sent home until cleared by a certified school nurse or healthcare provider. Districts that comply with the measures are eligible for partial reimbursement of their nursing costs, but that is subject to budget availability.
There’s no discussion in the bill about the correspondence students who are not on campus but who are counted as part of the student headcount by districts. Will nurses be dispatched to homes to ensure the kids learning at the kitchen table aren’t infested?
The Bug Bill adds to administrative costs, as do other bills from Democrats that force schools to focus on matters other than basics.
Sen. Elvi Gray-Jackson has a bill mandating schools teach CPR, a bill requiring schools to teach Pacific Islander history, and yet another bill requiring mental health education from kindergarten on up. Now, there’s lice to worry about.
Bjorkman, who was a teacher before being recruited by the NEA to run for office, has shown little interest in improving the academic performance of students, but has been on the leading edge of increasing pay for teachers. The union, rather than his district on the Kenai Peninsula, is his constituency.
Under SB 151, districts must submit detailed reports on lice policies, provide proof of inspections, and document the number of students affected. Additionally, reimbursement for hiring school nurses is only partially covered by the state and subject to available funding.
Many rural districts, already struggling with budget shortfalls and teacher shortages, may find it difficult to comply with these mandates without cutting other essential services, since they don’t necessarily have school nurses on campus every day. Some schools in Alaska only have a handful of students and just one teacher. Pelican, for example, struggles to keep the 10 student headcount needed to retain state funding. Diomede, Tuluksak, and Kipnuk are others that barely can retain the headcount of 10. Bjorkman would have school nurses in those schools, which struggle just to keep teachers.
Head lice, while unsavory and annoying, do not carry disease and do not have any specific health impacts, other than creating intense itching that can result in festering sores. A chemical lotion with permethrin (found in products like Nix), is often used to get rid of them. In the latest data found, it appears that in 2017-2018, about 421 students in the Anchorage School District had been diagnosed with live lice by school nurses, or less than one out of every 100 students; most of the cases were in just one school where the head lice outnumbered the students.
Homeschooled and correspondence students likely have a lower rate of head lice, but there’s no known study of the difference between government school and homeschool students as it pertains to the parasite.
(No, we are not going to make a joke here about parasites. We’re leaving that to our commenters.)
Well if the Senator had ever been in the schools he would know it is extremely difficult to rid a child of lice if their parents are not doing what is necessary to rid them at home. Exactly how does he plan to legislate that?
Not totally related but it’s parks an Alaska DOGE thought: CNAs, LPNs, or med techs can perform school “nursing” duties just as well for a FRACTION of the cost. Anyone with any experience can have a kid lie down, drink water, or check for head lice. This is a prime area for savings that many districts who actually care about their budget have been doing since inception.
Why does this need to be a legislative matter?
A very long time ago when I was in school, if a kid was suspected of head lice said kid was sent home until the condition was successfully treated.
It was a common sense district policy.
No state legislation needed.
But common sense is not common anymore.
Anyone who’s had child with head lice knows the work it takes to rid a child of it. It can’t be done at school alone. There are preventative measures schools can take but it has to happen at home. Many children are lucky if they get brought to school at all, much less get needed care.
Just have an assembly, have a local nurse check the kids, send the ones affected home, done.
Classic case of a solution looking for a problem.
So what the heck is that thing both Bjorkman and the puppeteer behind him are doing with their hands and why is it becoming so ubiquitous with government functionaries on both sides of the imaginary aisle these days?
My guess is that is simply a side effect of a serious case of head lice causing their hands be ready for some serious head scratching if things get heated while convincing others of the farce.
Alaska’s Lice-ensed to Bill: Senator Bjorkman’s Nit Tax Takes the Cake
Juneau, AK – April 1, 2025 – Forget oil, fish, or tourism—Alaska’s next big revenue stream might just be crawling through your kid’s hair. According to Must Read Alaska’s Suzanne Downing, Senator Jesse Bjorkman of Nikiski has unleashed Senate Bill 151, a head-scratching mandate to count lice in schools. But why stop at counting when you can cash in? With a clever amendment, this buggy bill could transform into the “Nit Landing Tax Act,” charging parents a fee for every louse found on their little darlings’ scalps. It’s the kind of fiscal genius that could only hatch in the Last Frontier.
Downing’s April 1st scoop—no April Fools’ prank, she swears—lays out Bjorkman’s plan: school districts must inspect 95% of students for head lice, send the infested packing until a nurse waves a magic wand (or a bottle of Nix), and drown the state in paperwork about prevention and infestations. Compliant districts might snag partial nurse funding, if the budget doesn’t dry up first. Rural schools like Pelican, teetering on their 10-student minimum, and far-flung outposts like Diomede might need to air-drop nurses in by bush plane. Homeschoolers? Better hope the Lice SWAT team doesn’t knock on your door.
But here’s where Alaska could turn lemons into lemonade—or lice into lucre. Imagine a “Nit Landing Tax”: $1 per nit, payable by parents at the school office or via Venmo (because it’s 2025, folks). Must Read Alaska notes that in 2017-2018, Anchorage alone had 421 lice cases. At a buck a bug, that’s $421 from one district—and that’s assuming each kid only has one louse. Toss in a multiplier for multi-nit offenders—say, $5 for a full-on infestation—and you’ve got a revenue bonanza. Anchorage’s lice-ridden school from that year could’ve funded a new gym with the proceeds.
Bjorkman, a former teacher turned NEA poster boy, seems unfazed by Alaska’s dismal academic stats—70% of kids can’t read or write proficiently, per the 2022 AK STAR assessment. Why bother with books when you can chase bugs? Critics say SB 151 is just another administrative burden, piling onto mandates like CPR lessons and Pacific Islander history. But with the Nit Tax twist, it’s not a burden—it’s a business. Rural districts could hire “Nit Rangers” to patrol the tundra, comb in one hand, tax bill in the other. Correspondence kids? Mail them a nit kit and a payment QR code.
Head lice don’t spread disease, just misery, but who cares when they could spread wealth? Bjorkman could pitch this as the ultimate Alaskan hustle: rugged, resourceful, and a little gross. Parents might grumble as they fork over cash for their kids’ uninvited guests, but they’ll adapt—after all, they’ve survived moose, bears, and six months of darkness. Next up: a “Mosquito Landing Tax” for summer. In Alaska, even the pests pay their way.
Thank you. I so needed that good laugh! 😂😂. Albeit some serious revenue generating possibilities!
Bjorkman always talks like he’s a conservative when one emails him, but his actions show him to be both a tool and a fool. Basically, no one can actually be a conservative while cuddling up to any arm of the NEA.
It sounds like more waste to me. It appears to me the biggest problem is our government. We need younger people in government with a pair of balls that can handle making good decisions for the people.
Here’s a very simple solution: Require all our children to shave their heads! Why can’t we get that out-of-the-box thinking in Juneau. Problem solved. Money saved. And union membership depleted.
“When the student has failed to learn, the teacher has failed to teach.”
US Army War College
Just count the number of Democrats and RINOs.
That’s your headcount. Lice know where to go!
If only a bottle of Nix would take care of that…..
All the things going on right now and this is the best thing he can come up with?
My girls attended a religious private school.
A few years ago, there was quite an influx of students that were immigrants.
My girls were infested, cured and re-infested, several times.
I spent really hundreds on treatments.
The whole school pretty much was hit.
One side note:
Ivermectin was the most and immediate cure.
And i am talking about pre-covid… it wasn’t in the spotlight at that time.